The Power of Changing Yourself

It’s a story I hear often in my therapy office.

“I just wish my mom would stop criticizing me.”

“If my partner would just notice me more, I wouldn’t feel so lonely.”

“If work wasn’t so demanding, I wouldn’t be so burnt out.”

The frustration, the exhaustion, the helplessness—it’s so real. When we’re stuck in distressful situations, whether in our relationships or careers, it’s natural to look outward for the solution. If only the other person would change. If only the system were different. If only someone else would do something, then I’d finally feel relief.

But here’s the hard truth: the only person you truly have control over is yourself.

Viktor Frankl, an Austrian psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, captured this reality with profound clarity:

"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves."

At first, this can feel disheartening. If I have to change, does that mean my needs don’t matter? That I have to just accept things as they are? Not at all. What it means is that waiting for someone or something else to change is keeping you stuck. Releasing that hope is not giving up—it’s taking back your power.

When we stop looking outside ourselves for the solution, we can begin looking inward at the things we can shift. We can ask:

• Where am I abandoning my own needs to keep the peace?

• How am I dismissing my voice in this dynamic?

• What patterns have I learned that keep me stuck in this cycle?

When we shift the focus to what we can change, we find new possibilities. Maybe setting a boundary with your critical mother helps you show up differently in that relationship. Maybe expressing your needs more clearly to your partner allows for deeper connection. Maybe advocating for yourself at work—or making the brave choice to leave—frees you from burnout.

None of this is easy. It takes courage to break patterns that have felt safe for so long. But in doing so, you create space for the fulfilling relationships and balanced life you truly want.

If you feel stuck, know this: you don’t have to wait for someone else to change for you to find relief. The power to shift your experience is, and always has been, within you.